Downer Debby

so its been weird but ive been really dark as of late. its not like me. although i am cynical and generally sarcastic it doesnt mean im a bad person or prone to dark thoughts….

however as of late i am.
well not really. im just really sensitive right now. like seriously the commercial that comes on for the iphone 4 was on repeat yesterday on comedy central and it was the one where the girl calls the guy up and tells him that hes going to be a daddy…. yeah i was in pieces. well not in pieces. but i was more like… “please hes more like … is it mine?”

see im just negative.

barefoot, preggo and cooking oh my!

so ive got a kitchen now… and for some unknown god awful reason i think its the funniest thing in the world to not wear shoes while im cooking… the whole barefoot and preggo in the kitchen thing makes me just giggle.

so the grape is a grape no more and is now the size of a small orange…. or at least thats what all the books, drs and websites are telling me. my dr. doesnt really say much other then….”your doing just fine, you and your baby are nice and healthy”… mind you my doctor sounds like ben stein,i kid you not. so that brings a whole new level of fun to this whole thing.

well anyway… back to the barefoot and preggo thing while cooking… as you can guess ive been cooking. a couple nights ago i made something that was all together delicious, weird looking and over-all a hit. i surprised myself.

i made beef stroganoff. sadly i fear my best friend is right and i have slipped into 1950′s house wife mode….well anyhow this is how i made it, just keep in mind julia child i am not.

i personally like it with meat ball type meaty things in it opposed to overly cooked strips of meat that your supposed to use.
well here we go:

meatballs:
1 pound ground beef
1-2 slices white bread
pepper
1 egg
1/4th cup milk

toss your meat in your bowl, i usually use a pepper grinder so… im guessing i put about a half teaspoon of pepper… what can i say i like pepper…. and then i tossed in the milk, broke my egg, and shredded my bread…. now making itty bitty pieces of bread really is rather annoying so if you cheat here and use break crumbs your smarter then i am…. really.
i mixed this up by hand in a medium sized bowl and was throughly amazed and grossed out by the feeling of raw meat and egg between my fingers…. really i think everyone should relish it at least once in their life.

the rest:
half white onion chopped
5-8 sliced baby bella mushrooms
1/2 cup white wine

to make it soupy:
2 cans beef consume or one big box pacific beef consume
1 1/4 cup water
2-3 cups sour cream

then in a medium to large sauce pan… your choice here… who am i to dictate to you? right….
anyhow…. here i dropped a teaspoon of oil and let that get nice and uber hot…. once its hot enough go ahead and only brown your balls…. then transfer when your done to a different bowl, plate, pan… its up to you but put them aside. one they are all nice and brown…

now you are going to have meat that stuck to your pan…. thats exactly what you want…
now grab a big white onion and cut it in half…
your going to chop the half onion and brown them, almost caramelizing them in the same pan you made your balls in.
They are going to soak up all that awesome beefy flavor.
At the same time you toss in the onion toss in your sliced baby bellas. These will add a nice rich flavor to your awesomely fat and yummy goodness.

so once the mushrooms and onions are nice and browned and soft and yummy smelling go ahead and add back in your meatballs carefully so you dont break them apart. keep the heat on by the way… just turn it down or to like the 4-5 area on your stove.

this is where you pour in your beef consume and water… now let this simmer uncovered for a good 45 minutes until nice hot and bubbly…. i ususally turn down the heat even more to about a 3-4.

now in a rice cooker or a pan make your basic white rice…. its a great little side dish to serve this stuff on…

about the same time your rice is done, your 45 minutes should be up and your beef stroganoff should be about finished…
this is where you take out your sour cream and toss two cups or as much as you want in and mix with the heat on medium. This mixes your cream into your beefy awesomeness and gives it that creamy great texture and flavor.

in your bowls or plates… i eat everything out of a bowl personally…. toss a couple scoops of rice and make a little dip in the middle.
then add as much or as little stroganoff as you like. sit back, pour yourself a nice glass of wine, or in my case glass of coke and enjoy your awesome hot dinner.

all together should take about an hour to do… not bad for a kick ass dinner.

warning… it doesn’t look so appetizing but tastes amazing!

ive also take a couple other pics lately with the handy dandy histamatic….
here they are

pretty awesome and apperently ready to die….

This is a bucket list my friend asked me to fill out… apparently im ready to die and im pretty more then rockin.

Kissed someone you didn’t like? — yes
Slept in until 5 PM? — yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — yes
Held a snake? — YES
Ran a red light? — yes
Been suspended from school? — no
Experienced love at first sight? — yes
Totaled your car in an accident? — yes
Been fired from a job? — yes
Fired somebody? — yes
Sang karaoke? —yes
Pointed a gun at someone? — no
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? — yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — yes
Kissed in the rain? — yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — yes
Seen someone die? — yes
Played spin-the-bottle? — yes
Sang in the shower? — yes
Smoked a cigar? — no
Sat on a rooftop? — yes
Drank until you puked? —yes
Taken pictures of yourself naked? — no
Smuggled something into another country? — yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? —yes
Broken a bone? — yes
Skipped school? — yes
Eaten a bug? — no
Sleepwalked? — no
Walked a moonlit beach? — yes
Rode a motorcycle? — yes
Dumped someone? — yes
Struck up a conversation with a complete stranger? — yes
Lied to avoid a ticket? — yes
Ridden on a helicopter? — yes
Shaved your head? — no
Played a prank on someone? — yes
Hit a home run? — no
Felt like killing someone? — yes
Cross-dressed? —yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — yes
Eaten snake? — yes
Marched/Protested? — yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — yes
Puked on amusement ride? — yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — yes
Been in a band? — no
Knitted? — yes
Been on TV? — yes
Shot a gun? —no
Skinny-dipped? —yes
Gave someone stitches? — yes
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? — yes
Ridden a surfboard? — yes
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? — yes
Had surgery? — yes
Streaked? — no
Taken by ambulance to hospital? — yes
Trip on mushrooms? — no
Passed out (when not drinking)? — yes
Peed on a bush? — yes
Donated Blood? — yes
Grabbed electric fence? — no
Eaten alligator meat? –yes
Eaten cheesecake? — yes
Eaten your kids’ Halloween candy? — no
Killed an animal (when not hunting?) — no
Peed your pants in public? — no
Snuck into a movie without paying? — yes
Written graffiti? — no
Still love someone you shouldn’t? — yes
Think about the future? — yes
Been in handcuffs? — yes
Believe in love? — Yes

ugh

so it seems that just when im starting to have a good day and everything is going just fine… not necessarily my way, but definitely not in a negative direction something always comes to slam me down. and down here is precisely where i plan on staying.

i just dont see the use in trying, or in even wanting to try anymore. its as if nothing good comes from my intentions anyhow, so why even bother at this point.
i guess its just another lesson learned, i cant rely on anyone for anything. I can only trust myself, my way of doing things.

when you rely on someone, or something all that follows is disappointment. And try as you might you cant seem to get out from under it.

i cant rely on wolf, i never know if hes stable that day or not. one minute hes utterly in love, the next he cant wait to get away from me. i cant rely on him as someone to go to for comfort. i cant count on him to be there when things are difficult. he closes up. he doesnt know how to function. its almost as if hes completely cut off from everyone elses emotions involved but his own.

to him its always about how he feels. how he perceives things. how it effects him. It’s never about how his actions, words or anything else effect anyone else. it doesnt compute, or it just plain doesnt matter. i cant tell anymore.

he himself said the other day “your a fighter, you have a survival instinct that is really amazing. no matter what you fight for what you know is right. i slammed you down, and slammed you down and keep doing it and your still here loving me.”

in breaking down that statement and just thinking about those words…. what did i get myself into? its time like this that i get the feeling i listened a little too closely to Morrissey’s song “the more you ignore me the closer i get”.

okay maybe not as stalker-ish…. but almost…

i cant help but wonder just how or why im like this. i know i love him. i know that there are a million and one reasons for me to love him. I know that i am absolutely crazy about this man. he consumes my thoughts. my actions all are done with a hope and a prayer that he approves.

im still me though. im still cynical, and i over analyze everything. i cant seem to get it though my skull that he is what he claims to be. there’s something there.

i guess its all the little lies. the stories hes told me. I know they are complete bullshit. i know they are, because ive seen that they are. ive seen the photos. ive seen the emails….. and because i love him i let them pass. but i like everyone else have my good and bad days also.

i know that i can be mean and devoid of emotion and the whole nine yards. i know this. i also know that i cant stay that way. ever. i cant be that way at all. it goes against my nature.

but sometimes…. it just gets under my skin in a certain way…. like knowing that hes full of it about his morals. knowing that he has had internet hook ups that hes tried to cover up. knowing that he feels perfectly entitled to go through my phone, email and purse at anytime and that he himself feels above it. that he doesnt have to submit to the same treatment.

suspicious behaviors abound as of late. or maybe its because im pregnant that im ultra paranoid. but going to the restroom with your phone… really? showering with it even? or how about the massive fear or checking email in front of me. Lets not forget that this Marci person keeps popping up.

i am besides myself with knowing what to believe. i just dont know anymore.

ive literally changed my life completely for him. ive let him into know me, my family and even my friends. and according to him i still have stuff to hide… i just dont see how or why.

will this man that i cant help but love really every truly be there for me? he says he loves me. and most times i let myself believe it. but sometimes i cant. sometimes i wont.

and so….

and so in conclusion….
yeah no not really.
i have discovered today that my hair is long enough to give me the ability to put it in a high bun and knot it with out the use of a ponytail, bobbypins or clip…. i feel accomplished.

so i know its been a long time since my last even look at this blog. but in all honestly ive been…. lazy. yes thats the right word. lazy.

i havent even picked up my camera… well thats not entirely true… ive picked up my camera and put it here and put it there in an effort to think at a later date… oh i should take this out… sadly it hasnt worked. well it has on like two occasions. for the most part… its been sitting collecting dust…

but! yes there is a but here i did manage to find an awesome new vintage camera that i picked up in the middle of no where gorman ca. its literally this one small town population 10 it seems but they have this huge antiques mall place and i found my new precious…. im cleaning it a little bit at a time and trying to find the reels for it since i already have the film. i cant wait to try it out.

and so i cant really think of that much more going on. … im just excited about everything happening and totally jazzed about my new toy.

ive been sick for a few days… okay okay its been like a week. but it seems like the worst is over so im on my way to feeling better again!

im also thinking of getting one of those really creepy pics taken…. not sure i want one or not yet… but if i do ill so post it!

and so…. yeah thats it for now. im pretty boring as of late.

so… sleepy…..

I was bored sooo I decided to do this fun little thingy!!! Feel free to steal it!

Hi, My name is: gianna

Never in my life have I been: ice skating. im uncoordinated enough thank you i dont need to kill myself with my own feet.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my momma, but i love her

High School was: a long time ago. but it was alright i guess.

When I’m nervous: I make myself sick to stomach and get jittery

The last time I cried was: oh jeez. well like every time the wind blows just right… hahaha. no really im a hormonal ball of emotion right now.

My hair: is long, straight and brownish with hints of blond and a little red.

When I was 10: I was a major geekbutt that rocked out to Ace of Base… that I still love!!

Last Christmas: I got a cool nifty iphone i cant live without

I should be: working… but im yawning too much. that and im waiting on other people

When I look down I see: my totally awesome black on black checkerboard vans.

The happiest recent event was: hysterically laughing with the love of my life last night.

If I were a character on ‘That 70′s show I’d be: meh i guess donna.

By this time next year: ill be exhausted

My current gripe is: im soo tired of being so tired.

I have a hard time understanding: Obnoxiously Dramatic Close-minded People

There’s this girl I know that: reminds me alot of lisa

You know I like you when: i dont ignore you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: wolf

Take my advice: sleep often

Something that I really want to buy is: a pretty new house

If you visited the place I was born: it would probably be pretty boring

I plan to visit: every place i can

The world could do without: Justin Beiber

I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: i dont know thats pretty narly

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Cereal

Most recent thing someone else bought me: dinner :)

My favorite blonde: Rainbow Brite

My favorite redhead: Strawberry Shortcake

My middle name: Nicole

This morning: I feel like a friggin Zombie… soo sleepy!

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Hippos!

Last night I was: Dishing on an awesome Eclair

There’s this guy I know who: totally likes scary movies like all the time.

I don’t know: anything really but its fun to figure it out

A better name for me would be: … nope i think my name suits me just fine.

Tomorrow I am: going to work…..

Tonight I am: wanting to sleeeeep

My Birthday is : not until next year

What I really wanted for Valentines day was: a sweet kiss. and i got it!

I like a guy named: wolf

My best friend’s name: judy

a few of my favorite things

so its the end of the week. and my oh my its been a long week. not in a bad way, just in the kind of way that makes you want to pull your own finger nails out from the nail bed since that would be far better then the crap you put up with this week.

well on second thought i suppose that is bad isnt it?

well its friday! and thank god for small favors. here are a few of my favorite things to look at online or whatever when ive had a particularly crappy week….

I want to have a million of these and have them find me shinnies! that or fry ‘em up and eat them with frys.

now i know its just watermelon cut into hearts… but i love cookie cutters. and i love watermelon so holy crap how are these not awesome! i now know what i want for dinner.

who doesnt like an angry mean cupcake?

i have a total girl crush…. she makes you laugh then cry then laugh harder…. perfect when your totally just trying to get through the day.

i like to think one day ill eventually get married, but its not huge on my things to do… well right now anyhow. but i sort of love going to random sites like THIS ONE for pretty ideas that will make my future wedding to my wolfman awesome….

yeah…. so those are a few of my favorite things… anyone have any of theirs they want to share?