Unheard screams

17 11 2015

It’s like those dreams, the ones where your screaming and no sound comes out. Your panicked but nothing seems to help and you feel trapped and certain that doom is now upon you. That’s what it’s like for me everyday. Everything goes on and on and on… People come and go and no one really takes a good look at you. Or if they do they are so uncomfortable with what they see they look away and forget, or try to. No one wants to deal with a mess, especially the mess that is you. Everyday you feel just a little more dead. A little less you. Soon you feel like you barely holding on. . . Things start to slip by, you don’t sleep much, and when you do nothing can wake you. You let things like chores and shopping go until you have no choice but to deal with them. Sometimes you forget what your doing and have to retrace your steps, sometimes you cry, no, sob for no reason at all, then realize it’s all for the same reason. 

You think of what broke you, of how it happened. You can pin point the exact times for each and every crack and stress and you know exactly when and how and who broke you. And you hate the memories, and you hate what it’s turned you into. You feel trapped and insecure about everything. You are dying to know what your not as good as. Or why it was so easy to do these things to you over and over. You question your worth and eventually believe everything they said is true. You cry when you think of them late at night. And when your cold you miss their warmth. You romanticize the few good memories you have, but know that for every sweet one there are five that out number them.