Unheard screams

17 11 2015

It’s like those dreams, the ones where your screaming and no sound comes out. Your panicked but nothing seems to help and you feel trapped and certain that doom is now upon you. That’s what it’s like for me everyday. Everything goes on and on and on… People come and go and no one really takes a good look at you. Or if they do they are so uncomfortable with what they see they look away and forget, or try to. No one wants to deal with a mess, especially the mess that is you. Everyday you feel just a little more dead. A little less you. Soon you feel like you barely holding on. . . Things start to slip by, you don’t sleep much, and when you do nothing can wake you. You let things like chores and shopping go until you have no choice but to deal with them. Sometimes you forget what your doing and have to retrace your steps, sometimes you cry, no, sob for no reason at all, then realize it’s all for the same reason. 

You think of what broke you, of how it happened. You can pin point the exact times for each and every crack and stress and you know exactly when and how and who broke you. And you hate the memories, and you hate what it’s turned you into. You feel trapped and insecure about everything. You are dying to know what your not as good as. Or why it was so easy to do these things to you over and over. You question your worth and eventually believe everything they said is true. You cry when you think of them late at night. And when your cold you miss their warmth. You romanticize the few good memories you have, but know that for every sweet one there are five that out number them. 



yeah im okay…

28 06 2010

the three most hated words in the english language.
at least to me. i hate that. i myself am guilty of uttering them. the funny thing is that if you have to answer the question that prompts such a response chances are, the person uttering those three dirty words, you my dear are very much not okay.

at least when i utter these words i am not okay. in fact im trying to hide that im not okay and then its usually followed by a fake smile. or a nervous laugh. or sometimes a fast change of subject.

today i am proud to say, no im not okay. in fact im the farthest from okay ive been in a while. but i look okay. im acting okay and by god, i even have a bit of a sense of humor to boot.

i know that when i get to this point i have 3 options to feed into.
1) the fuck it all attitude. – this is where my reply to everything is “fuck it all” and i no longer want to or care to try to give a flying fuck about anything…. here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: meh, fuck it dude. nothing we can do about it anyhow. i want a slurpee.

2) the omg life sucks and i wallow in my own pit of despair over the fact that i cant do or say a damn thing right.- this is where my reply to everything sounds like it belongs in a morrissey song and that nothing will ever be right in the world. Here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: oh god, life is so short, but what difference does it make if the sky falls or not to me everything is already black. no body cares if i die or not, nothing i do is worth anything. i would kill myself but that will just get messed up since i cant do anything right. not even t his awesome slurpee can lighten my mood.

and last but not least:
3) the oh dude that sucks attitude. – simply put i reply to my current situation with a … dude that blows. and go on with my life. here is an example:

Oh no! The sky is falling! We are all going to die!
my reply: dude that sucks, oh well aww my slurpees almost gone.(that last statement usually cast me back in to the pits of number 2)

right now, even though i am confident in saying that no im not okay, im more of a number 3. except for the slurpee being almost done… as you can see its quite full.

so what does this teach us?
a) i cant write a coherent blog when at work anywhere.
b) slurpees make everything better. except for when they are gone. then its a sad cold day in hell.